- I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

-A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

-Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?

-I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

-I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.

-You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

-If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

-Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

-If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

-No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

-There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be -OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

-The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

-Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

-Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

- If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

- If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.