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My story begins in Elma, a teeny tiny Pacific Northwest town located in Washington State. This interesting little town is abundant in evergreen trees, pine cones, wild black berry bushes, coffee, truckers, loggers, slugs, depressing overcast days, churches, mud puddles, greed, consumption, bullshit, be nice to your neighbour, don’t eat with your mouth open or play hooky from school. In a cold dark alley in the teeny tiny town of Elma, I was found, abandoned as an infant, living off salty rotten cabbage behind the ‘Wang Yang Jung’ Chinese Restaurant. Wang and Chang Jung owned the restaurant; they were decent hard working Chinese immigrants everyone in Elma hated. There was never anything inherently wrong with Wang and Chang, after all they adopted me when I was one year old and could not imagine letting me continue living behind their restaurant scavenging for day old sesame chicken and salty rotten cabbage. Like many apple pie eating Americans the residents of Elma had a sense of entitlement - they seemed to think everything in life should be handed to them on a plate and were jealous of the Jung family for being more successful than them. Wang and Chang worked fifteen hour days, built a successful business, drove a new car and lived in a nice home. Despite their jealously of successful immigrants, Elmerians kept going back to the Wang Yang Jung restraunt, eating Kung Po Chicken because well, the fact of the matter is they are just too damn lazy to cook for themselves. Wang and Chang took excellent care of the little Naomi, they loved me, fed me, diapered and clothed me. What more could a little salty rotten cabbage eating baby ask for – the world was my oyster and I had all the Chinese dumpling soup my little heart desired. Until one day – something happened that tore my perfect little world apart. Wang and Chang were arrested by the EPA because, well, they were not being honest about where their meat was coming from. That year the Spotted Owl was put on the endangered species list, they clamed it was because the loggers cut so many trees they were barging in on the owls natural habitat. Not true – the spotted owl became endangered because it tastes like chicken. If you ever lived in that area when the spotted owl was declared an endangered species and loggers were not given permission to clear cut forest land anymore, you may remember a lot of pissed off loggers wearing T-Shirts that read “Spotted Owl Tastes Like Chicken.” Well – it does taste like chicken. I ate so much sesame flavoured spotted owl soup the damn bird damn near went extinct. And, the fact that Wang served it along a side of MSG did not help matters. After their restaurant was closed by the health department, Wang and Chang decided to sell their house and move to San Francisco. Unfortunately, they could not take me with them. Just before my second birthday, the Jung family decided to leave me on the doorstep of the local Baptist preacher. Not a very responsible thing to do, but they had the best of intentions. If you have ever known American Baptists, first I must say, my heart goes out to you. “hell this! Jesus that! Moses this! Abraham hit me with a baseball bat!” You would think that any family that put a statue of a dead guy hanging from a cross in their living room have got to be some freaked out, third dimensional, nut jobs. Not to mention, if God really is the father of Jesus then he is one shitty father. Any dad that will do that to his son, for some puny human beings to believe in him has got to be a piece of work. God should loose custody of Jesus at the bare minimum. While playing with a Ouigi board in the preacher’s basement the demon of ex-girlfriends past...the one Charles Dickens never wrote about - magically took over my body. Every Christian man in Elma mysteriously disappeared, never to be heard from again. Think about it for a second – what woman has never thought of getting medieval on her ex boyfriend? If you are female, have an ex boyfriend, and said no to that question, then I call your bullshit! Anyway, back to the story. Being two years old is bad enough, adding demonic possession to the mix is enough to scare the crap out of any normal person. My head would spin around and the preacher’s wife refused to be in the room with me, she was so scared her hair turned white. I levitated off the bed, spoke ancient dead language; spit split pea soup across the room and my stomach muscles had pretty good aim because once I hit the preacher wife right between the eyes. Below is a video clip showing you a perfect example of the things I use to do. Just click on the arrow in the middle and the video. |
