i will kill anyone using ALL CAPITAL LETTERS on sight.
on a side note - some links
the youtube - http://www.youtube.com/palmerpink0000
the blog - http://www.xanga.com/chrispalmer0000
the myspace - http://www.myspace.com/placideduval
the sexier blog - http://bourbonite.blogspot.com (work in progress...)
Should I Care That I'm "Creepy"?
Frankly, I don't know. On the one hand we're told everyday (and especially when we're children) to be different, to be ourselves, and not to care what others say about us. And really, that's all quite precious.
In reality, on the other hand, you end up "creepy". If you're luck, I suppose; if you're me, in the least.
I follow my passions and my impulse, for good or ill, and that's just part of who I am. (As a result I'm terribly passionate and impulsive, heh.) I care about my work, my friends, and my lovers with an intensity altogether quite fierce, to be sure. And lots of people find this exciting, I guess.
Then there are others. So often--too often--people i `like` and want to get to know better. People I want to show kindnesss, affection, intimacy, i don't know--and so often i'll pursue with that same passion, that same impulsiveness just as I live the rest of my life.
And this scares them? That I care? That I can care? Eh. Likely that's only part of it. Likely I am somehow quite freaky in the way I go about these things--else why would they always, always end up saying it, that word, that one word, always the same: Creepy.
So I'm a freak; an impassioned freak (let's not forget my moodswings and insatiable vices while we're at it). And they avoid me, the dodge me, they lie and patronize, and it hurts. It hurts watching someone you care about treat you like shit. You deny it to yourself--you're making it up, you're getting paranoid over nothing just because it always happens that way does'n't mean it is this time too, he's just busy like he keeps saying--and of course you go to prove it to yourself, that you're just being crazy, and end up acting suspiciously freakier. Good work; now he's terrified.
And you know what the real tragedy of it is? The ones who weren't creeped out--who think i'm exciting or interesting or Fabulous!--they get sick of me, they lose interest, they get busy too. And I get slowly shuffled to the bottom of the list until I can impress some new friends, make some new people think i'm so "awesome" that they can't live without me another moment now that they've found me. And it's all terribly exhausting--unrewarding too, but for some brief moment's afterglow. And I am so tired of it. I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to prove myself. I don't want to have to "be" somebody, i just want to be myself and be it in peace. And I'd really like to know there's somebody there with me, someone I care a lot about, someone special and important, who puts up with me for god only knows why--but there we are, at last at rest.
And I know this is all foolishness; superlatives & fantasy. I have no restraint; too much passion & impulse, too little sense & wit. And no--this isn't the entire template of my life; I do have friends, and I do have family, and I do have lovers on occasion too. But this is a model for my downfall; the ever churning over of time, trickling down the countenance of life, some such bullshit-florridity--but simply, this does happen, and it does hurt me, it hurts me a lot, and it's going to keep on hurting me as long as I'm driven to love, to live. So save us both the trouble and don't venture further unless you're ready & willing to deal with a total freak such as this.
Because I'm tired of this bullshit, this drama--me more than anyone, you've no idea--and I just want to live my life and not have to care anymore. And yet....
& that is all.
~the utmost.
<3 steve
yeah; it sucks. but I...had to write something for him. I couldn't let myself not.
