MODERN MAN by george carlin

I'm a modern man, A man for the millennium, Digital and smoke free.
A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.


I've been uplinked and downloaded. I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading.


I'm a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.


I'm new wave but I'm old school, And my inner child is outward bound.
I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.


I interface from a database, And my database is in cyberspace,
So I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive,
And from time-to-time, I'm radioactive.


Behind the eight ball, Ahead of the curve, Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet, Pushing the envelope.


I'm on point, On task, On message, And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge.
I'm in the moment, On the edge, Over the top, But under the radar.


A high concept, Low profile, Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder.
I wear power ties, I tell power lies,
I take power naps, I run victory laps.


I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker
with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic. A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab, And in denial.


I got a personal trainer, A personal shopper,
A personal assistant, And a personal agenda.


You can't shut me up, You can't dumb me down.
'Cause I'm tireless, And I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.


I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.
Up front, Down home, Low rent, High maintenance.


Super size, Long lasting, High definition,
Fast acting, Oven ready, And built to last.


I'm a hands on, Foot loose, Knee jerk, Head case.
Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.


But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.


My output is down,But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.


I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports. I'm gender specific,
Capital intensive, User friendly, And lactose intolerant.


I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.


I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.
I'm toll free, Bite sized,
Ready to wear, And I come in all sizes.


A fully equipped, Factory authorized, Hospital tested,
Clinically proven, Scientifically formulated medical miracle.


I've been pre-washed, Pre-cooked, Pre-heated,
Pre-screened, Pre-approved, Pre-packaged,
Post-dated, Freeze-dried, Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed, And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.


I'm a rude dude, But I'm the real deal. Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough tough and hard to bluff.


I take it slow. I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride.
Drivin' and movin', Sailin' and spinnin',
Jivin' and groovin', Wailin' and winnin'.


I don't snooze, So I don't lose. I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road. I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.


I'm hanging in, There ain't no doubt.
And I'm hanging tough, Over and out.