I was born a poor black child. Then I grew up into a wealthy white dude. I'm not gay, but who knows what tomorrow holds. This one time I was drugged and kidnapped by some Mexican thugs. At least I think they were Mexican thugs.... or maybe they were just some of my friends, taking me out for a good time. I really don't know. If you try to mess with me and get all up in my face... I'll probably just let you. So please don't put me in that embarassing situation. Everyday of my life is like a dream. Unfortunately, in most of my dreams I am being kicked in the testicles repeatedly by 4th graders. So life can be rough. A wise man once sat me down and gave me some good advice. Too bad I can't remember any of it. Plus, I think he was speaking in Chinese anyway. You know how wise those Chinese people are.
I am Here for:
Free pizza. What? Did I come to the wrong place?
Hobbies:
Being sexy. Thinking about stuff. Knitting. Selling drugs to children. Molesting farm animals. Collecting stamps. Throwing javelins through car windows. Spanking it. Designing luxury handbags. Waxing on, then waxing off. Putting out fires... mostly the ones in my pants. Hanging out with Jesus (not the bearded guy... the Mexican guy who lives next door and sells me my crack)
Favorite Movies:
UHF, The Mist, Vanilla Sky, The Dark Knight, The Prestige, The Jerk, Magnolia, Scarface, Equilibrium, The Big Lebowski, Top Secret!, Star Wars Trilogy (the orginal ones before they got f***ed up), Back to the Future Trilogy, GoodFellas, Old School, Labyrinth, all of the Muppet movies, The Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Braveheart, Groundhog Day, A Christmas Story, Dude Where's My Car? (yeah I said it...), Indiana Jones Trilogy, Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Last Dragon...... and the list goes on and on
Favorite TV Shows:
Battlestar Galactica, Heroes, The Office (BBC version ONLY!!), Saturday Night Live, In Living Color, SCTV, Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In, The Simpsons, Family Guy, Flight of the Conchords, Seinfeld, The State, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Judge Judy, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, The Andy Griffith Show
Favorite Music:
The sound of my own flatulants. But once those are done, I also like these bands: Dave Matthews Band, Flight of the Conchords, Jack Johnson, Barenaked Ladies, John Mayer, Coldplay, dirty old-school gangsta rap, Ben Folds, "Weird Al" Yankovic, Check in the Dark (AKA Michael Frieman), Kracka Surprise, Jason Mraz, James Taylor, Paul Simon, The Beatles, Frank Zappa, Snoop Dogg, Too Short, 80's music, showtunes, beat-boxing
Favorite Books:
Harry Potter 1-7, The Tripod Trilogy by John Christopher, The Mist, Zen Guitar, Ninja Mind Control, Live From New York (history of SNL), The Phone Book, and whatever that book is that they throw at people when they put them in jail
I Love:
Pizza. Boobs.
I Hate:
When people steal my pizza. Man-boobs.
